


Absolution

by TheSpaminator



Series: Lena's refuge [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Character Study, Eventual Fluff, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Defense Squad, Lena Luthor-centric, Mental Health Issues, protect Lena Luthor 2k18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 18:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14407614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpaminator/pseuds/TheSpaminator
Summary: Taking place 8 years following the events ofFirst Contact, Lena has a new hurdle to face. One which she hadn't anticipated. Her sister in-law and best friend have brought their first child home, and Lena.... can't bring herself to hold them. And just like that, the self hatred she'd thought had been banished in her youth is back with a vengeance. What kind of a person can't even touch their brand new family?Find me on the internet:Twitter,Tumblr





	Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> As stated in the summary, this takes place 8 years following the events in [First Contact](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11022561) which was in their junior year of HS. Meaning Lena, Kara, Alex and Maggie are 26 years old give or take. Kara and Lena have been married for 2 years, sanvers for 4. All four of our ladies are finished university and are living their lives properly as adults.
> 
> This is a little more angsty than the first instalment, but it ends okay. I promise.
> 
> ********* Trigger warnings for panic attacks, self loathing, and PTSD *********
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this, more notes regarding how this particular follow up came to be are at the end of this story.
> 
> This is unbeta'd (just like literally all of my work) and unedited so I'll probably go back and edit tomorrow after a good nights sleep. Well, as good as it's likely to be since I'm 99% sure I've gotten the flu if my entire body being in pain is any indication.

_Breathe._

 

_In- and out. In- and out. You can do this._

 

“Hey, are you good?” Kara spoke from the drivers seat, her hand resting on the centre console between their seats, fingers spread and relaxed in invitation just as her habit allowed.

 

Lena looked down at her hand instead of meeting her eyes, knowing exactly what she’d see in them if she gave in. She knew that those blue depths wouldn’t be heavy with pity, or expectation, only understanding and love. Instead she directed her gaze at the hand between them, reaching out to pick up and feel the hand in her own. She turned it over, her own fingers fiddling with the lax ones in her grip. When she finally fit her fingers between her wife’s, the tan and patient hand squeezed gently, keeping her in the moment.

 

“Just remember, you’re calling the shots. I’ll follow your lead.” With that Kara squeezed again but didn’t let go. Rather she waited for Lena to end the contact, knowing after all these years to allow the raven haired woman to dictate their contact as well as allow herself to enjoy and sink into the still rare moments of touch which held no purpose other than simple comfort.

 

Heaving a deep sigh, Lena smiled tightly at her wife before releasing her hand and opening the car door with conviction. Immediately upon stepping out onto the driveway, muffled sounds could be heard emanating from the house before them. The raven haired woman felt her shoulders tense, unconsciously lowering her head to make herself smaller. Scrunching her eyes closed and shaking her head at herself, she forced her shoulders and neck to relax. Upon opening her eyes she noted Kara waiting patiently in front of their car, hands held loosely at her sides in open invitation.

 

Lena strode towards the blonde woman with purpose, reaching up and grasping her strong bicep to anchor herself. Kara simply smiled softly at her, understanding without words that Lena needed to touch but not _be touched_.

 

“Okay, I’m ready.”

 

***

 

She knew she’d be uncomfortable, but she hadn’t anticipated quite the degree of discomfort. She knew that all of Alex and Maggie’s friends knew about her...... _needs_...... god she hated calling it that. But what else could she say? She’d been all but exiled to the breakfast bar while the rest of the party sat closely and played all the baby shower games that were staples at such events. Sure, it was a self imposed exile but she still felt _other_.

 

Every few minutes she caught site of either Alex or Maggie or both looking her way in concern. They had done everything they could to make sure the event was accessible to Lena, but the woman herself felt..... well. Terrible. There was no blame in her heart for anyone but herself though, she hated that even after all these years she hadn’t progressed enough for those she cared for to not have to make special arrangements for her. They shouldn’t have to do that.

 

Quietly but not surprisingly, Lena felt the presence of her wife appear at her side, leaning on the bar beside her and looking out at the party.

 

“I never thought I’d see the day where my sister or Maggie became so..... suburban.” Kara adorably scrunched up her nose at the word, encouraging a huff of laughter out of her wife.

 

“I know what you mean. The cop and the FBI agent, in a little house with a white fence and a room full of future soccer mom’s.” Lena twitched her lips in a grin, sharing an amused side eye with Kara.

 

The blonde giggled, turning to rest both of her forearms on the counter so she was facing the same direction as the raven haired woman. She reached out and fiddled with the cupcake display on the counter, moving them about and arranging them so that the two she stole wouldn’t be obvious. Lena snorted a laugh, entirely unsurprised that her wife would sneak a treat before they were actually served.

 

“Okay I’ve got the goods, you start the car and we’ll make our escape.” Kara shielded her treasure with her body and wiggled her eyebrows at the other woman, prompting her to bite her lips to stifle her laughter as she quietly snuck away to do as suggested. Just before turning the corner into the front hallway she shot a grateful look to her wife who winked conspiratorially. Kara always did know when Lena needed a breather, and exactly how to get her out of an anxiety ridden situation without unnecessary guilt at her desire to leave without a word of goodbye.

 

And she knew neither Maggie nor Alex would hold it against her, they would probably laugh at the ‘sneaky’ manoeuvre Kara had come up with.

 

Lena’s smile faltered a little as she put on her shoes and grabbed her purse from the hook on the wall. As grateful as she was for the women, she still couldn’t shake the unease in the back of her mind.

 

***

 

When they brought their child home, Lena and Kara waited to visit. The couple had opted to adopt, knowing and fully appreciating the importance of building their family that way considering how Lena and Kara came to be in their lives. So the first few days after they brought their toddler home were hectic to say the least and the other couple felt that a grace period where they got settled was a small but considerate thing to do. That is to say, that while Alex and Maggie likely would have appreciated the extra hands on deck, letting the child settle before overwhelming them with countless visitors was far more important.

 

There was another concern however, one Lena was hesitant to share even with her kind, understanding, compassionate, and patient wife. She wasn’t sure it would be a problem, but ever since Maggie had told her that they were adopting a child already a few years old instead of an infant, she was forced to think about it.

 

An infant would have been easier. They didn’t move much, they were easy to swaddle and hold. But a toddler? They didn't understand boundaries. And as much as Lena hated herself for thinking it, the thought of even a small child running up to her and grappling onto her legs caused a spike of anxiety to shoot through her. What if she couldn't handle it? What if she couldn’t greet, or hug, or hold them? Maybe she would be fine and sitting on the other side of the room, but how would she react if the child decided to come over and sit on her lap?

 

The day she found out they were approved and getting a child, one a few years old, Lena had a panic attack. No one knew about it, she kept it a secret. Maggie had called her to tell her the news and Lena played along, sounding as happy as she could and saying all the right words. But immediately after she took a shower as an excuse to recluse herself while Kara prepared their dinner and just..... cried.

 

She hated herself a little that day. She always did, to a small degree. But it had been a very long time since those feelings were quite so strong. Kara, Maggie and Alex understood. But a child? They’d just see their aunt shrinking away from them, full of fear.

 

She’d be a monster.

 

And what if...... what if Kara hated her for it? What if she couldn’t handle being a parent if that was something Kara wanted? What would happen then?

 

***

 

That fear was realized the first time they visited.

 

Things had been going fine, Kara had been successfully diverting the child’s attention by being the proverbial cool aunt. And Lena could tell by the way both Maggie and Alex were trying to keep the toddler’s attention that they were sensitive to the possibility of Lena being overwhelmed as well. Of which she was unendingly grateful.

 

All good things must come to an end though, and when Kara excused herself to the washroom while Alex and Maggie were building a pillow fort on the other side of the room, the child zeroed in on her. Getting up on shaky legs, the curly haired child meandered slowly towards her with a stuffed elephant in their hands. Stopping before her, they reached out with chubby fingers and pushed the animal into Lena’s hands, a large gummy grin showing just how proud they were to share.

 

“Oh.” Lena exhaled the word, pulling her limbs into her body as she unknowingly tried to make herself smaller, just as she had in her youth and was still wont to do when she was in an uncomfortable situation. She tried to hand the animal back, carefully holding one end in the hope the child would grab the other.

 

Instead they walked up and bumped into Lena’s knees while pushing it back towards her with small sweaty hands on her own, giggling all the while.

 

The sound drew the new parent’s attention and Lena vaguely noticed the wide eyes of her best friend before she snapped back into her own head, removing herself from the situation as best she could. She jerked backwards, half falling over the footstool she’d been seated on and startling the child.

 

Young lips wobbled and doe eyes shone with fresh tears, turning to a cry as Alex rushed to wrap her arms comfortingly around the toddler who instantly cuddled closer into the safe embrace.

 

Maggie was a few steps from the raven haired woman, stopped with room between them and hands raised towards her, unsure how far to go. “Lena, it’s okay-”

 

“No, no it’s not.” With that, she shot to her feet and raced to the door, roughly shouldering Kara as the other woman was reentering the room. Blue eyes looked startled and concerned as she called after the panicked woman.

 

“Lena, wait!” She tried to follow, but Lena had grabbed their keys and left before she could even get out the front door.

 

***

 

Kara found her tucked in their bed at home not long later, having gotten a ride from Alex while Maggie stayed with their child.

 

Instead of speaking, she just shed her sweater and jeans and gently tugged the ends of their sheets out of white knuckled hands, and slid into the dark cocoon Lena had created.

 

She left about a foot between them, simply resting her hand between them in invitation, just as she always did. And then she waited.

 

When Lena eventually spoke, it was with a hoarse voice. “Did I scare them?”

 

Kara knew what she meant and took a moment to respond, knowing that fast assurances weren’t the way to get through to her wife. Lena wouldn’t believe it if she spoke that way, instead having to lay it out in frank words. “A little, yeah. But it didn’t take long for Maggie to distract them. They’ve probably forgotten already.”

 

Lena kept her eyes closed and furrowed her brow, biting her bottom lip in a nervous gesture. “Are you-” Her breath hitched and she took a deep breath before trying again. “Are you mad?”

 

At the silence that followed, she opened her eyes and green met blue. Confused and pained blue.

 

“Why would I be mad?” She moved her hand closer by a few inches, still leaving the last move to her wife.

 

“Because, if I can’t handle a toddler sharing their toy with me, how would I ever manage being a parent myself? And if I can’t be a parent, then you can’t either, and maybe you really want to be a parent. I know how much you love kids and I know we’ve never talked about it but what if this is too much, what if you finally leave because I can’t give you what you want and-” Her panicked and rushed words broke off, the tightness in her chest causing her to hyperventilate as her eyes clouded.

 

Kara saved her though, she always saved her. Especially from herself.

 

“Lena, it’s okay. Stop, you’re okay. I need you to breathe, reach out and match my breath, okay? You can do it, I know you can.” Kara scooted closer and shifted so her chest was open to her wife, quickly feeling relief when Lena did as asked and rested a hand against her sternum, feeling each of her breaths.

 

Upon the contact, the blonde moved one of her own hands to tightly clasp and hold Lena’s where it was. She breathed slowly and deeply, in and out until Lena’s shoulders slackened and she bonelessly fell forward until her forehead was resting in the space below her chin. Wrapping her arms around the suddenly small woman pushing into her, Kara took one last deep breath for herself.

 

“Lena. My love, I need you to listen to me carefully, okay? Can you do that?” She waited until she felt the slight nod of her head, loose raven locks tickling her neck. “I’m not leaving you. I will _never_ leave you. And not because of our vows, not because I made a promise to. But because I don’t want to. I’m desperately in love with you and even if we hadn’t made those promises to each other, I would still stay. I need you, I don’t want my life to not have you in it.” Lena shook in her arms, and her heart broke to feel hot tears track down her skin. “And you’re right, I do love kids.” Before Lena could break down again, she continued. “But I don’t _need_ kids. I need you. Would I have liked to be a parent? Sure. But it was never my goal. All I’ve ever wanted was someone to share everything with, no matter what our lives turned out to be. My life isn’t poorer for a lack of children. But it would be for a lack of you.”

 

A broken sob cut through the still air in the room and Kara held strong, not moving except to tighten her hold when the woman in her arms wrapped herself around her.

 

***

 

They stayed wrapped together throughout that night and the next day they didn’t leave their condo, instead opting to build a massive blanket fort in their living room where they ate takeout and watched all of Lena’s comfort movies. It was a ritual they had come up with not long after they’d first moved in together during university, and it never failed to put the raven haired woman at ease.

 

Lena curled up on one end of the couch and Kara the other, the only contact they were sharing was Lena’s cold toes tucked under the blonde’s thighs.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Lena's eyes stayed staring at the television. She still couldn’t shake the guilt, despite Kara’s continued assurances.

 

Kara raised her head from the back of the couch and looked over at her wife to see her anxiously chewing at her bottom lip, hands tangled together and her steaming mug of cocoa nestled between her folded legs. “Yes Lena, I’m sure.”

 

“You’re really sure? You’re not mad that I still can’t handle more? It’s been eight years for god’s sake. I should be over this by now.” She twisted her hands together, the fingers of one kneading at her other palm in a self soothing gesture.

 

“Hey.” She uttered the word softly, prompting nervous verdant eyes to meet ice blue. “There’s no shame in not ‘getting over it’. It isn’t some small thing, and you shouldn’t be angry or frustrated with yourself for where you are now as opposed to where you think you should be. Lena, your toes are under my leg right now. We cuddled last night. And we have a respectable and _very_ satisfying sex life.” At this she waggled her eyebrows, prompting a pretty blush to stain pale cheeks. “You’ve made exceptional progress, and I’m proud of you. So so so proud. And I’m crazy happy, in my life with you. I don’t need more, I just need you, in whatever form you’re willing to share with me.”

 

Lena smiled softly and moved to place her cocoa on the floor by the couch, out of harms way, shifting instead so she was pressed against Kara’s side where she gently caught pink lips with her own, sighing as she all but melted in place. “I love you.” The words were said on an exhale, into the soft skin against her lips.

 

“And I love you.” Kara gripped Lena’s shoulder with a strong hand and hid a smile in the cocoa held in her other when her wife relaxed into her and moved to watch her favourite movie with quick, rapt attention, the tension around her eyes and in her body gone completely.

 

Mission accomplished.

 

***

 

The following weekend found Lena seated at a table in her favourite restaurant having brunch with her best friend.

 

“You know we’re not mad, right?” Maggie didn’t prolong the raven haired woman’s anxiety, knowing she’d feel better to deal with it right away rather than worry about it the entire time they were together. “If you can’t be around our kid, we won’t hold it against you. As they get older they’ll understand, we’ll make sure of it.”

 

Lena started to object, but Maggie cut her off at the pass, knowing exactly what she was going to say. “And no, we’re not making special allowances for you. We are going to impress the importance of consent, constantly. For everyone. We don’t want them rushing up and invading anyone’s space or violating anyone’s comfort or safety. Consent isn’t just for sex and you know that. This is a lesson for life, not for you.” Maggie lifted her brows, tilting her head as though to dare Lena to contest the point.

 

Chuckling slightly, the raven haired woman felt her body uncoil as she looked down into the cup of tea held in both hands. A comfortable silence fell between them when their food was served not a moment later and they turned their attention to their meals.

 

As Lena finished her food and had drained the last dregs of her tea, she couldn’t help the smile she wore at the stories Maggie shared of the already ridiculous occurrences they were experiencing due to parenthood.

 

She knew what was expected of her now, and she could live with it.

 

***

 

Over time, Lena grew slightly more comfortable being in the same place as the child, though she still couldn’t touch them. And while she was constantly tempted into guilt, she was never allowed to entertain it as her wife, best friend, and sister in-law made sure to reassure her and flat out not let her.

 

Kara had settled into the role of cool aunt very happily, finding she wasn’t in the least upset at the fact that she would never experience the role of motherhood. She had everything she needed, all the fulfillment she could ask for in her wife and couldn’t find it in herself to be regretful or sorry for herself. She felt she made the right choice, and nothing would _ever_ make her think otherwise.

 

And eventually, she convinced her wife to forgive herself.

 

Lena felt lighter, having finally allowed herself the luxury of not blaming her affliction on herself. She felt lighter for realizing that she didn’t lessen her loved one’s enjoyment of their own lives simply by virtue of how she had to live her own.

 

And she felt lighter, knowing that even if she never progressed further, if this was who she was for the rest of her life, that her wife wouldn’t be upset. Kara loved her for her, not what she hoped she would be.

 

She didn’t have to ‘get better’, because she wasn’t sick. Was she a little damaged? Sure, but who wasn’t? Was she a little more damaged than most? Probably. Quite likely. Yes.

 

Damaged, but not broken.

 

Fractured, but still worthy of love.

 

And finally ready to accept it.

**Author's Note:**

> Just as the first fic in this series was heavily inspired by my own struggles, so is this one. I have a nephew who is about a year and a half old now. I've held him twice, neither time for more than a few seconds. I feel a little like a monster, but I can't do it. So. 
> 
> The blanket fort thing is a thing I do actually. And one of my besties usually hangs with me when I have one of those days because she's one of my only friends who isn't draining to be around, like most people are. It's exceptionally comforting and I would suggest it if you ever find yourself needing that feeling. Whether with a partner or an excellent friend or even alone. It just feels good.
> 
> I haven't reached the acceptance phase yet, I'm still really struggling with that. My birthday was a few weekends ago and I convinced myself I was okay enough to accept all the birthday hugs my friends and family wanted to give me. So I did. And I wasn't. Spent the next week+ in total isolation and a deep depression. I'm still not sure what my boundaries are, where my limits lie. But I'll get there. I hope.
> 
> Regardless of how heavy this fic was, I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave me a comment, I very much would love to hear what you guys think of this.
> 
> <3  
> Sam


End file.
